…and so it begins. I shouldn’t be surprised. After almost twenty years, I found my way back to my music, faced my fears, and dove right into writing and performing music again. I set goals, followed through, and met them. Once I began, things started to happen, seemingly on their own. Momentum started building, gigs have begun to surface, possibilities for the future. Then the voice started making itself heard. You know that voice. It’s that little voice in the back of your mind, that starts to undermine everything you try to accomplish, sowing the seeds of doubt. My voice has been really loud this week, and when I try to quiet it by pushing forward, it just starts screaming louder. It says “you can’t do that”, “you’re too old now”, and “you’re not good enough”, followed by “what in the world were you thinking?” , “you’re kidding yourself, it will never work out” and “people will laugh behind your back”. I hate that voice, it’s a paranoid little bugger.
I know we all deal with this when we’re trying to accomplish something important to us. It may not be important to anyone else, but to us, it’s everything. I think that is what gets that voice started. We have so much riding on what we’re going after, we have such passion for it, that in our own minds we start to try to sabotage ourselves. It’s almost as if we want to do it before someone else does, so it might hurt less. How stupid is that? I admit it, that voice has really bothered me this week. Nagging doubts about what I’m trying to do, musically. Am I too old now? Did I miss my chance? Do I seem ridiculous to even want to try now? Is it just a big waste of time? It would be so easy to give up, and let that dream go. I could just go back to not singing, not playing, not writing songs, and go back to just working a regular day job, being a regular mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend. I could go back to being unhappy, feeling like something is missing, knowing what that something is, but being too afraid to risk living the way I want to live and being who I really am.
So maybe I am older than many of the other singer/songwriters I’ve been running into. Maybe it is too late for me to actually turn this into any kind of career. I do regret waiting so damn long to find my way back, but I’m glad I did. I’m eternally grateful that I took that trip to Newfoundland and spent time getting to know some of my family. They had a bigger effect on me than they will ever know, and that trip changed my life forever. So, I will try to ignore that annoying voice in my head that keeps trying to make me give up, and I will keep writing and singing and playing. It makes me happy, and probably easier to live with. I’m not the world’s best songwriter or guitarist, but I’ll keep working at both, which can only bring improvement. I may be older, but that should just give me more to write about right?
One last thing. Thanks to all of my family and friends who have been so supportive. I really appreciate everyone’s comments, suggestions, and encouragement. I will try not to embarrass you.